Red Dwarf's 30th Anniversary: The 30 Best One Liners

February 10, 2018

This page is more than seven years old.

"To Ganymede and Titan, yes, sir, I've been around." The open line of 'Red Dwarf,' which first aired on BBC Two on Monday 15th February 1988, sung by the then 23-year-old Craig Charles.

The story was pretty simple, Charles played Dave Lister, a tasteless, uncouth, tone-deaf, mindless, revolting, randy, blokeish, semi-literate space bum who's found himself marooned in deep-space, three million light years from Earth on the mining ship Red Dwarf.

But he's not alone, the ship's computer is still operational. Holly is a tenth-generation AI holographic computer with an IQ of 6,000 (about the same as 12,000 PE teachers,) although thanks to computer senility his IQ is now nearer six. Norman Lovett is most famous for playing Holly, although Hattie Hayridge also took on the role in almost as many episodes.

Unfortunately for Lister, Holly revived Lister's deceased bunkmate as a hologram. Arnold Rimmer, played by Chris Barrie, is a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse. They're also joined aboard the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship by a human-like creature who evolved from Lister's pet cat, portrayed by Danny John-Jules.

The Red Dwarf universe is bleak, empty and void of the exotic alien life you find in other science fiction shows, meaning that the show's stories revolve around the characters, their futile predicament, and their many neuroses.

Although they don't meet alien life, they do run into some man-made rogue simulants, gestalt entities, genetically engineered lifeforms, and of course androids. Including Kryten 2X4B 523P, a service mechanoid with a head shaped like a novelty condom. Robert Llewellyn ad Kryten became a regular member of the crew from series three onwards.

They also occasionally bump into Kristine Kochanski, played by Claire Grogan of 'Happy Birthday' fame and later Chloe Annett. Kochanski, the former navigation officer aboard Red Dwarf, is Lister's love interest.

Amazingly, 30 years on, the original boys from the Dwarf are still making the show. The twelve series aired just last year on it's new home, Dave... a channel which could even have gotten its name from Lister. The show still holds the record for being BBC Two's longest-running, highest-rated sitcom.

I can't claim to have been a fan of the show since day one, as I was only eight when the first series aired and it was on past my bedroom. But in the early 90s the Beeb reran all six series to date and this became my Friday night ritual for over a year.

Since then I've watched all twelve series over and over again on VHS, the DVD and now on Netflix. It was probably the most quoted TV show when I was at school, and is easily my favourite comedy show of all time.

This month marks the 30th anniversary of the first ever episode of the show, to celebrate I've put together a list of my 30 favourite one liners from the entire history of Red Dwarf.

“Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.”

“Kryten, the Eastbourne Zimmer Frame Relay Team can easily out-run us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning.”

“That's it. We're deader than corduroy.”

“You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.”

“Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska.”

Advertisement ‐ Content Continues Below.

“How come I have to do everything? 'Cat, do this!' 'Cat, do that!' What am I? A dog?”

“Is there any possibility that we could just go a little bit faster? I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?”

“Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat, this is not a daffodil.”

“How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep.”

“At least he gets 24 hours notice. All the notice most of us get is 'mind that bus. What bus? Splat!'”

“Kryten personal black box recording. Time: unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here”

“Time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, then you're better off with some ointment.”

“Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit!”

“Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?”

“Excuse me. Could I possibly distract you for just a brief second?”

“Radiation leak alert! Radiation leak alert! All crew should run around screaming!”

Advertisement ‐ Content Continues Below.

“Oh, smeg. What the smegging smeg's he smegging done? He's smegging killed me.”

“Talk about cooped up! If I was dead , you could not swing me about in here!”

“Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.”

“I've also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. I've discovered stuff in there that'll make your hair stand on end. Brylcreem, it's called.”

“Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned?”

“[To Rimmer] I have got hair like yours, just not on my head.”

“We have enough food to last for 30,000 years, but we've only got one After Eight mint left, and everyone's too polite to take it.”

“Hey, you think I'll buy anything you say, dontcha? Well wrong, buddy! Now get outta here, I gotta keep my eyes skinned for that asteroid shaped like a dancin' moose you told me about yesterday.”